[20 Feb 2006|09:49pm] my weekend was.. idk. i wont explain. mm.. so. saturday night was baaaad & then really good. sunday i had to wake up at 730 to go to driving. so i go, take some tests & get back home before andrew wakes up. we talked & hung out until he had to leave at 12. i ended up falling asleep on the couch for a little bit. i had only slept two hours friday night & an hour saturday night. so last night i went to bed at six & woke up around seven puking so went back to bed & slept til eleven when my mom brought me to the hospital. spinal tap to make sure i dont have meninigitis, i dont. thats fifteen or more hours of sleep.. wow. i got the flu shot & a cartizone shot. im still really sick. hopefully very soon taylor, her bf, andrew & i will all double date & can all hang out. yessss. fun. alright im tired again. here is some pictures to go out with. ( picturesss ) 4 comments|post comment

[17 Feb 2006|02:54pm] i miss you, jessie. so much. post comment

[16 Feb 2006|02:26am] so this past saturday.. i spent with andrew. well.. i went to his house around six with my ganked foot. i hung out & talked with his mom for about an hour while he took a shower. then we went pick up rose & went get food. then brought the food back to his mom & dropped rose off at home. we then left & came back to lafayette & picked up tyler & blah blah blah. finally start heading back to andrews house around eleven. go upstairs & watch some of the olympics & i was laying on his bed with my legs hanging off & he came & laid on top of me & he was telling me how he has never felt this way about anyone before & that it scared him & that he couldnt see himself loving anyone the way he loves me. & then he got teary & put his head on my chest. i almost cried or maybe i did.. i just dont remember. then we laid down & watched tv for a while until we both started to fall asleep. so we went downstairs & his mom had made a bed for me to sleep in. andrew tucked me in, kissed me & turned out the light, which was really cute. woke up around seven to go to class. the ride there andrew made me smile so much. geez. valentines day andrew was in centerville for a basketball game, so we didnt see each other. but tonight he came over & my parents ordered pizza for us. we watched envy & the olympics & snuggled. at one time i was saying that i like him & he told me he didnt like me that he loved me. & then he was like 'you arent pretty.... youre beautiful to me.' it was really cute. see.. we have amazing days all the time.. i dont need a day like valentines day to make me fall in love all over again.. i fall in love all over again everyday. :) post comment

[11 Feb 2006|02:51am] bad car accident tonight. i have a ganked ancle. (broken, to everyone else) concssion in the back of my head & glass in my eye. lets just say i look like something out of texas chainsaw massacre. 2 comments|post comment

convo. [07 Feb 2006|01:32am] ckyskater321: i love you manda bear haha mandey haha: you want to know something? ckyskater321: what haha mandey haha: i always wanted to have a boyfriend that wanted to show me off & always said how he loved me & stuff. ckyskater321: u ganna come to the party with me tomorrow right? ckyskater321: b/c i want to be there with you haha mandey haha: i dont know. haha mandey haha: i want you to love me the way i love you andrew. thats all i want. haha mandey haha: but you cant make someone love you. ckyskater321: i love you amanda ckyskater321: there is no one that i love more than you ckyskater321: i would be shit with outyou ckyskater321: i love you so much haha mandey haha: then why do you try to hide me? ckyskater321: like i dont think you acctually know how much i love you haha mandey haha: its seems like to me youd rather castrait yourself then admit to someone im your girlfriend. haha mandey haha: sometimes girls want to be shown off.. haha mandey haha: specially around other girls. ckyskater321: idk im sorta afraid that since theres ganna be lots a guys there and stuff you might get interested in one of them while im smoking or something ckyskater321: i dont want to lose you or nothin ckyskater321: im a jealous person too haha mandey haha: so youd rather the guys not think we are together? ckyskater321: i mean like the other night when one of my team mates had sad if those two girls i was talking to where single i just sorta got worrried and thought about the party and shit ckyskater321: no ckyskater321: i want them to know haha mandey haha: andrew how do you think i feel? haha mandey haha: youre always around cheerleaders ckyskater321: yea but i dont think about them haha mandey haha: i know ashley is more attactive than me ckyskater321: for all i care they have dicks haha mandey haha: & you went straight to her when we were apart ckyskater321: no she isnt haha mandey haha: the whole time we were apart i was TORN APART ckyskater321: dude u fuckin said you would drop that shit ckyskater321: ok ckyskater321: i dont fuckin bring up edmund all the fuckin time so get off my fuckin back ckyskater321: what do i have to fuckin do amanda? ckyskater321: all i do is love you haha mandey haha: all i do is love you too andrew.. more than you will ever know. ckyskater321: ok im sorry baby haha mandey haha: but it hurts me when i feel like you dont want to see me & that drugs are more important ckyskater321: just for everything ckyskater321: drugs are never more important than you haha mandey haha: its felt that way to me lately. everytime you talk about saturday its about smoking & not wanting me there because i will be bored haha mandey haha: you dont see that as long as i am with you i will have a good time. ckyskater321: im sorry haha mandey haha: im the happiest when i am with you. ckyskater321: i just dont want you to be bored and shit ckyskater321: i wnat you to be happy and have a good time too haha mandey haha: i wont. & ambers going so i definately wont. ckyskater321: cool ckyskater321: hey i need to ask you something? haha mandey haha: okay? ckyskater321: do you believe me when i say that i will never get into any hardcore drugs or ever get into that sorta things and that the only thing i will ever do is weed? haha mandey haha: i trust you haha mandey haha: but i do still worry ckyskater321: i understand haha mandey haha: ive lost too many people i love. ckyskater321: but i just want you to know that im not ganna do that haha mandey haha: i dont want to lose you ckyskater321: i understand ckyskater321: but i just want you to trust me that i wont do that ckyskater321: like i dont even want to be taking those pain pills or anything ckyskater321: cuz i know they are addicyting ckyskater321: but i love you amanda and i just want you to trust me ckyskater321: u talkin to rusty? haha mandey haha: yeah. haha mandey haha: i love you too andrew & i want you to trust me too. ckyskater321: i do baby ckyskater321: i love you so much haha mandey haha: it hurts when you tell me you cant believe anything i say ckyskater321: im sorry haha mandey haha: ugh im crying. haha mandey haha: i havent cried at all today haha mandey haha: & you will go and make me cry ckyskater321: awww im sorry ckyskater321: go take a shit youll stop crying haha mandey haha: do you think you could pick up me & amber tomorrow? ckyskater321: yea ckyskater321: no prob   thats for my keeping. idk why but the convo meant everything to me. post comment

[07 Feb 2006|01:26am] so saturday night.. was so back & forth & just idk. crazy? yeah. i wont say what i did or what went on because well.. i dont remember everything. no, i didnt drink or smoke. i just have a shitty short-term memory about things.. especially when so much goes on in one time. memories from last night.. -ross calling me ashley on accident. it was just amusing to me & andrew turned & looked at me really quick & i just laughed. -sitting in the truck & listening to "23" by jimmy eat world & looking at the sky & seeing a shooting star. (i cried when i saw it, but really no one that reads this would understand why.) -andrew giving me a piggy-back ride & talking about him writting a childrens book talking about the monkey & the tiger & how the tiger liked the monkey. (our nicknames for each other.) -'the phone call.' we laughed about it for a while after. -the way home from brandons.. our song came on the radio & i started crying because it had been a long day/night & andrew grabbed my hand & kissed it & he was like "listen baby, its our song!" & then he turned it up really loud. after it was done he asked me if i was crying because of the song & i said yeah partly & he asked what else & i finally told him that i was scared to leave him. & he asked why id leave him & i said for lsu. he told me we had the summer & it would be amazing & he asked if i wanted to make a year with him & i said yes & he told me he wanted to, too. -eating the whole mexican pizza at taco bell for the first time. (hahah. yeah, shut up.) -getting in at four & eating so much junk food & watching lord of war. -laughing about how gay i am about the way i sleep & my blankets. -falling asleep at five or six in the morning & snuggling & waking up in the middle of the night with andrews arms around me & his huge thigh on top of me. everything is wonderful. :) hope everyone else had a great weekend. we are having a bonfire/party at my house not this saturday but next. it is going to be amazing. i cannot wait. post comment

[29 Jan 2006|01:27am] i am going to start using my moms computer to check peoples updates & to update myself. as for an update. friday night.. i hung out with paige & we went to the mall. where i ran into ross. it wasnt all awkward, like i thought it would be. it was actually really nice. he gave me a huge hug & then turned & shook paiges hand. i, of course, laughed to myself about that. walking out.. i ran saw josh & kalim. it was weird seeing kalim & actually talking. he gave me a hug, which i cant explain. andrew came over later that night with rose. rose talked to brendan on the phone & fell asleep in the living room. andrew & i laughed, giggled, wrestled, had tickle fights & cuddled.. just like how it was when times were really good. he finally admited to me that when he was doing things with ashley that he thought about me & how much better i was than her. i asked him before if he thought about me & he said no, because he knew i would say he was lying. but last night when he told me that, i knew he was telling me the truth. we watched almost heroes & i kept falling asleep.. so he told me to go to sleep. so i got on the other side & covered up & kept falling asleep. each time i started to close my eyes hed kiss my forehead & nose. id just open my eyes & smirk at him & hed smile & go back to watching the movie. then i finally opened my eyes at one point because there was a lot of moving around in my bed & my room was pitch black & i heard andrew saying "oh no.. we usually leave the tv on" & then he turned it back on & put it on mute & then cuddled up close to me, told me he loved me & goodnight. (the whole time he thought i was still asleep). i wonder if he does that every night i fall asleep before him? tonight was.. odd. i hung out with andrew & ian & watched them skate. then we went to andrews house for a second & then to brandons for a little bit. andrew brought me home later on & i came inside & got right into my pajamas because i was tired from lack of sleep last night & i just didnt feel so good. i still dont. andrew called me later & we talked for a while until he decided to go to bed. tonight someone asked me about andrew & i's nicknames for each other & i couldnt help but laugh because i cant explain them. post comment

[25 Jan 2006|04:31pm] my livejournal.. just doesnt work anymore. i cant read friends journals or my own. i can just update. :( post comment

006. [22 Jan 2006|04:17am] tonight we get back to my house, after not speaking the whole way home. he gets on the computer & curl into my bed. its about 11pm, which is early for me to be in bed. i cant remember what he said that hurt me but i remember fighting him to get out of my room to go use the bathroom. came back & got into bed again. i opened my eyes & looked at the computer & i heard the begining of "you & me" by lifehouse playing & then he says 'i didnt download that!', he looked at me & smiled. he got up & turned off my light & laid down with me & held me. i started crying & he just held me tighter. towards the end of the song he started singing in my ear.. really soft. "you & me & all of the people, with nothing to do, nothing to prove & it's you & me & all of the people & i don't know why i can't keep my eyes off of you." after that we laid there holding each other & i finished crying. its moments like those that make me believe there is such thing as love & that this is worth the fight & the pain. i could say a lot more but id rather just leave it at that. post comment

005. [21 Jan 2006|11:15am] I AM SO CONFUSED. 1 comment|post comment

003. [13 Jan 2006|08:19pm] i think its about time i start growing up. its time i make myself happy. i stop relying on other people for my own happiness. i am going to start making myself happy. i am going to start spending a lot more time with my best friends & just getting closer to the people that really matter to me. post comment

002. [12 Jan 2006|03:38am] hmm. everything just seems to pop up on one day/night. when i am by myself & i have no one to talk to. i was good. no, i was actually really good for the past few days. no phone calls, no talking, no worrying. tonight it just comes up to bite me on the ass. i think today was the hardest day since miss liz's funeral. my bottom lip is pretty much raw from biting it so much. i found out so much tonight. more than i can even swallow. i went to bed at 11 something & its now 3:40 & im still awake. this is really killing me. i have huge bags under my eyes, my eyes are killing me along with my head & my whole body aches. ( something personal ) im really lucky to have my friends & family. "hows it gonna be" by third eye blind pretty much sums everything up. ( lyrics ) 2 comments|post comment

001. [09 Jan 2006|05:02am] new journal because my old one was full of memories. i didnt want to delete it because later on i will want to look back. just not now. i never updated on what happened. well, things between andrew & i ended. nothing ugly or horrible happened. it just had to happen, whether we wanted it to or not. not to date other people or anything, we just needed the break. we dont hate each other & we dont want to hurt each other. im not upset about it anymore, i know he cared about me more than any other girl he had dated so i know feelings were mutual. that makes things a lot easier to let go of. well other than that. my life has been a mess lately. my best friend in atlanta, adam, got in a bad car accident saturday & he is still in ICU. my mom is getting sick again, so if you would pray for her i would really appreciate it. i decided to go to lsu. but i think my parents want me to go to ul, so who knows. i kind of wish i would just go to penn state & say fuck everything down here. minus a few people. i think it is finally hitting me that in just a few months i will be done with high school, i will be turning eighteen & i will be college-bound. kind of scary. i really enjoyed this weekend. i cant even think about it without smiling. even though i cried more this weekend than i have in a long time (& no its not because of the break up). all i keep thinking is someone else out there is having a worse day than i am & that they might be alone in it all & atleast i have all of my friends & my family. all of us will be better in the end. bryttani picard, rikki lee & lindsey. we will all be alright. =) post comment

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